There’s nothing louder than silence. You can be in a room full of people talking. And not hear a thing they say. You can go to church, sit through the whole service, and not remember what the teaching was about. You can go to a club, and drown out the music being played. Our brains are interesting in that they can filter out our environment, removing things that aren’t particularly important to us and focusing on things that are. That’s why you can smell something at first, but not smell it ten minutes later. The smell may still be there, but you have to refocus on it to recognize its still there. That’s why we turn down the volume of the radio when were looking for something. We’re refocusing from the auditory system - the music - to the visual system - the looking. And the thing about noise is that it can provide a level of distraction, especially when there’s something you don’t want to deal with. You just shift your focus to the noise. Silence, on the other hand, doesn’t distract. It just sits there. You hear it loud and clear. And soon, it gets overbearing. And silence is a lot more overbearing than noise. Anytime you’re going through something, you have one of two choices. Turn your focus inward (your internal noise), or turn up any source of external noise you can find.
Taking the Edge Off
I’m willing to bet that 95% of the time, we turn to external noise. Its easily accessible. It requires little to no effort at all. Put Netflix on, and watch a show you’ve already watched before. Put on a comedy. It’ll make you laugh when nothing else can. Turn up the music. Put on a song you’ve listened to a million times. It makes you feel better. For my parent’s generation, its the news. My dad will put on the news, and not even watch it. It just serves as background noise. For some in our generation, its games. Candy Crush, FIFA, or anything else that can swallow your attention. And for most, its social media. Endlessly scrolling to see what people we don’t care about are doing.
Just in case you think I’m being a dick, I do the same. For me its working on something. It could be work itself, it could be projects that are simply a waste of time, or watching content such as YouTube videos and podcasts. We live in a world where we have what are basically hard drugs in our pockets, everywhere we go. Are you standing in line? Well you can take in the moment. Think about something. Or you can pull out your phone. Scroll up, then down. Look like there’s something you’re doing. Sometimes not for anyone’s sake but yourself. Are you in a group of people who barely know each other? Respond to a text you don’t even want to respond to. Look like you have a normal life.
Always The Same Distance From The Ditch.
The alternative - turning inwards - is a fucking nightmare in and of itself. Internal noise is hard to deal with. It means dealing with repressed issues that we’d rather not deal with. Things that are embarrassing. Scary. Things that in a way say something contrary to who we think we are. Things that create an intense and visceral feeling. And who the fuck wants to deal with that. Its a lot of work! We barely have the tools to deal with these experiences ourselves. Kinyozi hajinyoi. Why deal with it when I can watch Big Mouth? Why do that when I can go hang out with my friends. Why do that when I can drink and not think about it?
But ignoring it doesn’t mean its gone. Its still there. Your body knows it. It feels it’s weight like a bag of sand. And its a matter of time before it comes out. It’s no wonder we are the most depressed generation. We have access to so much external noise that we barely have time to deal with internal noise. At least not until it brings us down to our knees. Not before we burn out. Not before we experience a mental breakdown. Drink ourselves to rehab. Get ourselves in a bad situation. And even then the silence is usually short-lived. As soon as we have one foot out, we’re flooded with noise again.
Don’t Go Where I Can’t Follow
Separation. That’s the theme of the second half of your 20’s. That’s is what I’m told. And god are they right. The main realizations for this part of your young adulthood is that everyone you know is on a different path from yours. There’s a selfishness in us of wanting everyone to follow a path where we maintain what’s familiar. The friendship. The hanging out. But those who truly care will understand that it not possible. That that person you truly care about, will at one point go somewhere where you can’t follow. Painful as it is. And that creates a level of silence that hasn’t been there for a long time, maybe ever. As a child, your parents were your fulcrum. And from the teenage years to your early 20’s your friends played this role, for better or worse. Past that however, that gap grows. Maybe that’s why many get married in this latter part of the 20’s.
Pain and Love
A couple of close people in my life have taken paths that, while wonderful, meant creating some distance. And what that has meant is that, all of a sudden, there’s a lot of silence in my life. I consider myself a solitary animal, but even this is a lot for me. And its forcing me into a choice between either external noise or internal noise. I’m choosing to go internal. To go into my cocoon. ‘Chris’ cocoon,’ as one of the smartest people I know calls it. Its not the place I want to be in right now. But I think it necessary. And I’m still leaving room for external noise, as I think it ensures you don’t get lost in yourself.
A friend of mine recently used a term I really liked. ‘Social bird.’ I’m not one. Never have been. Its a factor of some experiences I had as a child (I’ll one day put them on display here, when I’m brave enough. True humility is the only antidote to shame). I can be social, but its an active choice. Its not my default. Why else would I have share these stuff on a blog, when I could just share it with friends. And whenever there’s silence in my life, I realize there’s a lot of pain. But as Jordan Peterson puts it, pain is a fundamental part of existence. But the only thing more fundamental than pain is love. And If you have pain, well then, love and truth. That’s what you got.