As usual, disclaimers first. The principle I’m about to talk about is not unique to masculinity. Women live it out too. Masculinity and femininity are not opposites. Two instruments playing the same note will sound quite different.
A Tale of Two Boys.
Let me tell you a story of a two boys. The first boy, a boy with a weight of responsibility, wakes up and finds himself alone in a hostile world. Everyone he loved, everyone he called family, is long dead. He has no support system around him that can help him carry and fulfill his responsibility. As such, he is afraid, and in most of the situations he comes across, situations where he needs to stand and fight, he runs. But in the course of the story, we see this change. We see him find a small group of people who will go with him to the end of the world. People who will bear the responsibility with him. People who teach him what he needs to know. People who teach him what he doesn’t know. We see him find the one thing he needs the most. We see him find family. And in finding family, we see him get the focus and strength to bear his responsibility to the world. That responsibility being to serve and protect the people.
The second boy? Well, he has the thing the first boy doesn’t. He has a family. But the thing is, his family doesn’t want him. He is weak in their eyes. He brings dishonor to his family. He is therefore banished, and can only be welcomed back after completing an unreasonable and difficult task. And so we see him trying to accomplish this unlikely task, in an effort to earn his honor, and thus earn his family back. And through him we see a boy learning that a family chooses him just as much as he chooses a family. Through him we see a boy realizing that his actions (and inactions) have consequences. Consequences that hurt people. Through him we see a boy coming to terms with the fact that the only way he can regain his honor is through service. Service to the people who need it the most. Which he does, by facing certain death to protect someone who hated him the most at one time.
It is also through him that we are introduced a man. A man who shows us that masculinity is not the opposite of femininity, but the opposite of boyish immaturity. Boyish immaturity that is displayed more often than not by the two boys above. A man who through the course of the story, proves to be the most powerful person in the story, bar the protagonist. But a man who doesn’t use that power for conquest. No. He is a man who uses that power to perform the function that I think all the best men perform for the people they love. The function that can best be described as Serve and Protect.
Leaves From the Vine
This man has many tales. But only one matters. It is a tale where we accompany him as he buys a couple of picnic items. As he goes around, picking the items he needs, he does a couple of mundane things. He sees a moon flower that is drying up, and pushes it into the shade. He knows it will bloom there. A little later, he sees a child crying uncontrollably, picks up a Pipa (a stringed instrument), and plays a song for the child, soothing it back to calmness. The child rewards him by pulling on his beard while laughing. He later sees some kids break a window, and advises them to take responsibility. This is before the owner of the house appears, threatening to fuck them up, to which his only instruction to the kids is ‘run.’ Someone then tries to rob him, but he notices the thief has bad posture. So he knocks over the thief, and then proceeds to show the thief correct posture, so that he isn’t knocked over easily next time, so that the thief is much more of a threat. And that turns into a tea session in which the thief opts to become a masseur. The tale ends with him perching up under a tree at dusk, setting up the picnic supplies he has been picking up. He sets up two candles, and places a picture of a young man at the center. It is a picture of the one person the man wishes he could have helped the most, but didn’t. It is the picture of his dead son. And for the first time in this story, we see the man we have come to love, express emotion. We see the man weep. And we can’t help but weep with him.
In the story of the two boys and the man, all of the characters are in a process of change. They all have a character arc. They all have something they need to learn. Something they need to internalize. But this man, as someone best described it, has a flat character arc. He doesn’t change throughout the story. He stays the same. Cheerful. Wise. And a massive lover of tea. What instead happens is that he changes the people around him. This man, is a man that is healing himself, by healing the world.
Gentle Giants
When I look at my life, I realize that some of the most impactful men in my life have a certain commonality. Whether it is the man that raised me, who had an unwavering devotion towards ensuring we had everything we needed, and from whom I received the foundation on top of which I will build for the rest of my life. Or whether it is my high school math and chemistry teacher, who had an unwavering devotion towards his work, and who for some reason was mostly oblivious to my shenanigans - I was a back bencher, and had all the musings of a back bencher - and to whom I credit the fact that I got As in both those subjects. Or whether it is a certain Professor, who to this day gets to work before everyone else, who would welcome my sister and I to his office for the tastiest popcorn when we were kids, and who is the person I called when I thought I was losing my father. Or whether it is the man I worked under for three years, who would help me whenever I was stuck, and to whom I credit the career growth I’ve had in the last three years. What they all have in common is that, at their core, they serve and protect.
Simply put, all the best men in my life have been servants. They have been gentle giants. Heck, I’m not much of a Christian, but part of Jesus’ ministry was based on this very principle. “He poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciple’s feet, and to wipe them with a towel with which He was girded.”
The Land of Wolves
Now there are a lot of exceptions to this principle above. We live in a land of wolves. And when you adopt this principle above, plenty of wolves will abound. You’ll have to adopt a few measures. Never give to anyone in service more than you are willing to lose. Never protect to an extent of losing yourself. You will be doing a disservice to everyone you care about. Put simply, don’t give to others in a way that takes from yourself. You have to leave enough to keep giving. You have to serve and protect yourself first before you serve and protect others. To borrow again from the Bible, be as wise as serpents and as gentle as doves.
Boyish immaturity comes from a lack of purpose. A lack of meaning. Especially in this environment where whatever balance that existed before has been demolished. Service and protection, I believe, is the ultimate source of meaning. And the best part is that it isn’t even a masculine thing. Women do it too. It just manifests differently. You can change all the instances where ‘the boy’ and ‘the man’ appear in this article to their feminine equivalents, and all I’ve said would still hold. Every woman, once out her girlish immaturity, can attest to this. So the principle is universal. It is the north star with which I lead my life. If I can manage to live up to this principle, then I can go to the other place unafraid, unashamed. And those women whom I have loved, and thus who I have served, will be the Valkyries who accompany me to the gates of Valhalla.